my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
