in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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