FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
