my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
