my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My life is pants optional.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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