Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
