I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
