I cannot find my penis.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
