Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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