I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
