I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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