I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
