i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
