I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
