Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
