She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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