So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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