I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You made out with two different species that night
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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