The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
