I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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