I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
