Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
