i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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