My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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