I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
