:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
