my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
