Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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