He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
