I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
