I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
