You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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