I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
