I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
