My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
