literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I need to calm my uterus...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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