I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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