I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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