I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
