i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
