I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
