i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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