Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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