Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
