Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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