did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
