I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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