a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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