an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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