Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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