Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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