I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
