We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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